


Equivalent Trade

by triste



Category: Bleach
Genre: Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-21
Updated: 2012-11-21
Packaged: 2017-11-19 05:18:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/569530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/triste/pseuds/triste
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ishida wants something. Sadly, he has to bargain with Kon in order to get it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Equivalent Trade

Title: Equivalent Trade  
Author: Triste  
Fandom: Bleach  
Pairings: Ishida/Kon, implied Ishida/Ichigo  
Rating: PG  
Status: Complete  
Disclaimer: Not mine

~~

"We got left behind."

"Again."

A pair of equally dejected sighs merely emphasised the speakers' current moods.

"I really don't want to be here."

"Neither do I."

Kon scuffed the ground with the toe of his shoe moodily as he gazed off into the distance. "It's not *fair*! Why do I have to stay with you, anyway?"

"I believe Kuchiki-san's orders were for me to baby-sit until she and Kurosaki got back," Ishida replied dryly. His expression was just as disgruntled as Kon's, if not more so, and this didn't seem to help the Mod Soul feel any better.

"I don't *need* a babysitter! Besides, I wanted to go with Nee-san. I miss her." Kon suddenly threw back his head and emitted a sound not unlike a wounded animal. "Nee-san!! Neeeee-saaaaan!"

Ishida quickly clamped a hand over his mouth. "Will you stop that? It's embarrassing! Have you forgotten that we're out in public?!"

Kon merely glanced at him pathetically and mumbled something incomprehensible behind Ishida's palm. When Ishida allowed him to speak again, Kon was considerably quieter, but now he looked even more miserable than before.

"I wanted to fight, too. Why won't they let me? It's the reason I was created in the first place, but the only thing I get to do is occupy Ichigo's body. It's not like I get to have any fun with it, either. He said if I got myself beaten up again, he'd kill me. Or at least wait until I got back into my stuffed animal body so that he could throw me into the washing machine and leave me stuck in the spin cycle."

Ishida seemed vaguely sympathetic for once. "He's done that before?"

"Twice. And he didn't even bother to dry me once I got out. I was so soggy that I couldn't even move." Kon brightened suddenly. "Still, it wasn't too bad, though. Nee-san's panties were in there with me, so at least I had company."

Ishida quickly went from being sympathetic to being disturbed. "Kurosaki put you and Kuchiki-san's underwear in the same laundry load?"

"Not all of her underwear. I didn't get to see any of Nee-san's bras. But that's okay. Her panties smell much nicer."

Now Ishida looked absolutely appalled. "You go around *sniffing* those things?!"

"Yup!" Kon was practically sparkling with joy. "Nee-san has the most heavenly scent, and her panties are these adorable teeny-tiny little lacy things that look so pretty. I could stare at them all day long! Sometimes, I actually do!"

"Does Kuchiki-san *know* about all this?"

"Um, no... not really. She'd hurt me if she did. That's why I have to do it in private."

Ishida twitched. "This is really more than I ever wanted to know, so could you please stop talking before you reveal any more of your little secrets?"

Kon blinked in surprise. "You mean you don't have any secrets of your own? Wow, you really *are* boring!"

"I am *not*!"

"Yes you are. And you're a dork."

"At least I'm not a pervert!"

"Oh? So the way you stare at Ichigo's ass is totally innocent, huh?"

Ishida's cheeks turned a rather violent shade of pink as he gave the Mod Soul a glare that would have stopped a herd of rampaging buffalo in their tracks. "How do you know about that?!"

"I'm very observant! I also like getting the chance to blackmail people whenever possible."

Kon bent over at the waist suddenly and waggled his rear end in Ishida's direction.

"You were looking at this, weren't you? Were you thinking about touching it, too?"

Ishida's eyes widened, and he appeared to be on the verge of a nosebleed as he quickly shoved Kon out of the way. "Quit it! And stop grinning like an idiot. It's *wrong* to see Kurosaki's face looking like that!"

"But you don't want to see his *face*, you want to check out his-"

Within seconds, Ishida had drawn his bow and aimed it at Kon's forehead. "Keep talking and I'll shoot an arrow through your skull."

Kon held up his hands defensively. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you mad. And remember, it's not me you're shooting, it's Ichigo! You can't kill a guy who you have the hots for, right?"

"I do *not* have the hots for Kurosaki!"

"Then why else would you be fantasising about him?"

"One more word and I *will* shoot you. I don't care if it's Kurosaki's body, just as long as you're the one who's getting hurt."

Kon huffed and crossed his arms over his chest indignantly. "There's no need to be so touchy. *I* fantasise all the time!"

"About Kurosaki?"

"*No*, about Nee-san! I fantasise about her beautiful panties and her beautiful brassieres and her beautiful mounds of womanly flesh that *fill* those brassieres and-"

"Enough! Stop talking about Kuchiki-san like that, it's disgusting!"

"Oh, I get it. You'd rather talk about Ichigo and *his* underwear, right? They are pretty skimpy. And they're black. Wanna see?"

Kon began unbuckling the belt around his waist, and although Ishida successfully managed to prevent him from actually taking anything off, he did seem disappointed over his missed opportunity.

"Can't you just sit and wait patiently until Kurosaki gets back? And if you are going to fantasise, then do it quietly, without giving me a running commentary." Ishida gave Kon a sideways glance. "Incidentally, are they boxers or briefs?"

The grin on Kon's face was far too evil for Ishida's liking, but he responded in kind. "They're boxer shorts. *Short* boxer shorts."

"Short boxer shorts? I see..."

Kon started snickering. "*Now* who's fantasising?"

Ishida's cheeks turned pink once again. "I am not! I was just... thinking!"

"About Ichigo and his short shorts?"

"Absolutely not!"

"Not even a little?"

"Well... maybe..."

Kon's expression turned calculating all of a sudden. "Listen, I'll make a deal with you, if you make a deal with me."

Ishida stared back at the Mod Soul warily. "What are you talking about?"

"I'll give you a favour if you let me have one in return. I may not be Ichigo himself, but it is his body, so it's the next best thing. Wouldn't you agree?"

Ishida continued to look cautious. "I suppose is it. Where are you going with this?"

"Just hear me out, okay? What if I let you do one thing to it... just one. You want to grope Ichigo's ass? You want to kiss him? Well, now's your chance!"

"Wait a second. You hate me. More importantly, you hate *guys*, so why are you doing this?"

Kon beamed at him brightly in response. "Because I'd be getting something out of it too, of course!"

"And what would that be?"

"The chance to borrow your body!"

"Why would you want to borrow *my* body when you already have Kurosaki's?"

"You're friendly with Inoue-san, aren't you? Don't you go to the same handicrafts club after school?"

"Well, yes, but what does that have to do with anything?"

"If I get to occupy your body for a while, she'll think that I'm you, and then I can use the opportunity to get a little closer to those magnificent breasts!"

"You pervert! I won't allow you take advantage of Inoue-san like that! Besides, she might start thinking of me as being-"

"Straight?"

"I was going to say weird, but since I don't like the idea of getting that close to *any* girl, I suppose I'll have to agree with you."

Kon pouted a little. "I promise I won't do anything *too* bad. I'll even take Nee-san's memory modifier with me so that nobody will have any recollection of what went off!"

Ishida frowned disapprovingly. "So you want to borrow my body, fondle Inoue-san's chest, then erase her memory of the event?"

"Pretty much."

"And you think that I'll actually *agree* to something as insane and immoral as that?"

"Um... yes?"

"So what will you offer me in return, then?"

"The chance to kiss Ichigo's luscious lips?"

Ishida narrowed his eyes. "This is crazy. I can't believe I'm actually *contemplating* it. Am I really that depraved?"

Kon shook his head solemnly. "No, just desperate. So, do we have a deal?"

Ishida sighed heavily and held out his hand. "We have a deal."

Kon beamed widely as they shook on it, and Ishida wondered why he suddenly felt as though he'd sold his soul to the Devil. Before he could say anything else, though, Kon tossed his stuffed animal body in Ishida's direction. Ishida caught it reflexively and gave Kon a puzzled glance.

"Put that down your shirt," the Mod Soul instructed him.

"You want me to hold it there for safe-keeping?"

"No, I want to pretend that it's a lady's bosom."

Ishida gawked in disbelief. "You want to do *what*?!"

"I offered to let you kiss me, didn't I? I'm not into guys, so although I'll be getting something out of this, I probably won't be able to enjoy it. That's why I thought the experience would be slightly better if you had something resembling boobs."

Ishida threw the little plush lion at Kon. "No. No way. Not in a million years. I am not going to sit here and pretend to be some *girl*, just to indulge your perverted little fantasies!"

"If that's the way you feel, then I'll have to change my mind about our bargain."

"But we shook hands on it! You can't go back on your word! It's dishonourable!"

"I don't care! I won't kiss anything if it doesn't have mammary glands! Even pretend ones will do!"

"You're not going to let this drop, are you?"

"Nope!"

Kon was altogether far, *far* too cheerful for Ishida's liking, and after a lot of scowling and glaring, Ishida eventually snatched Kon's stuffed animal body out of his hands and shoved it down his shirt. His face was so red that it looked as though he had a bad case of sunburn.

"There. Happy now?"

Kon pursed his mouth thoughtfully. "Adjust it a little. It looks too lumpy."

Ishida's cheeks flushed even more as he did as Kon said, wishing that he could just sink through the ground so that he wouldn't have to suffer the embarrassment of giving himself a pair of fake breasts.

"Better?"

"Well, you'd never pass for a real girl with a chest like that... but it'll do!" Kon shuffled over to Ishida, moving disturbingly like one of the zombies from 'Night of the Living Dead', only with more of a cupping motion. Ishida recoiled in horror.

"What on earth do you think you're doing?!"

"I'm going to grope you! Now kiss me, and make it good!"

Ishida leaned in gingerly and attempted to prepare himself for what would probably be the most bizarre experience of his life. He closed his eyes when Kon was within kissing distance, and reminded himself firmly that he'd be kissing *Ichigo's* lips. Kon just happened to be occupying his soulless body.

A pair of hands on his chest shook him from his thoughts, as did Kon's rather unnerving little leering noise.

"Hurhurhur... boobies..."

Ishida flinched away in distaste. "Don't *say* things like that!"

Kon stared back at him dreamily. "Shush. I'm thinking happy thoughts."

Ishida shuddered and tried to ignore the fact that Kon was pawing at his chest like a clumsy puppy as he leaned in once again and closed his eyes. This time, their lips actually made contact, and although Ishida was tense at first, he gradually began to relax as Kon's mouth (*Ichigo's* mouth, he reminded himself) yielded under his.

It saddened Ishida a little to think that his first kiss was being shared with a perverted Mod Soul like Kon, but when he drew back after a moment, it was Ichigo's eyes that gazed back at him. There wasn't even a hint of his usual glare, and his face was so much softer than Ishida had ever imagined. Ishida could even pretend that the dazed smile on those upturned lips was for him, not some imaginary big-breasted woman conjured up from the depths of Kon's extensive mental reference book.

Ishida found himself wondering if the real Ichigo would look anything like this. Okay, so Ichigo would rather punch him than kiss him, but Ishida was willing to take what he could get. That one kiss alone would be enough to fuel a whole month of wet dreams, and Ishida's eyes narrowed as he dove in for another taste. This one wasn't quite so gentle, and Ishida allowed his hands to wander as well. Kon was still busy fondling his makeshift bosom, and he didn't complain when Ishida's fingers drifted over his sides and back.

Ishida soon discovered how easy it could be to lose himself in the passion of a kiss, and it was only after a startled-sounding yell hit his ears that he actually found himself returning to the present.

He quickly wished that he hadn't, though, when he saw Ichigo's Shinigami form standing before him, pointing an accusatory finger and looking as though he was only seconds away from passing out with shock.

"What the *Hell* are you doing?!" he cried, staring from Ishida to Kon and then back again.

Kon just grinned stupidly while Ishida made a squeak not unlike the sound of a mouse being trodden on as he hurriedly wracked his brains to come up with a plausible excuse.

"This isn't what it looks like. Honest."

 

End.


End file.
